It Has Been A While...

This has been a busy summer - too busy for my liking. Luckily I won't be helping to organize a 10-year high school reunion every summer; that's how the busy-ness started. I'll still be volunteer coordinating at Folk Fest, but I'll book time off my real job as soon as 2010 begins so that I don't get completely overwhelmed during the 2nd week of August. As for the hot dog stand, I can't let go; the money is too big. I'm going to cut back though... or I'll cut back on my real job... because I might be taking a class or two during the spring/summer semesters. Who knows, who knows. This is exciting though.

I haven't read a real book from beginning to end for a year or so. I have a pile of 8 books (at least) beside my bed and I read a chapter or two from one of them every so often. I've read a lot of graphic novels over the past year, and I really like them. Some of them are pretty meaty and give me lots to chew on, but some of them are puny and pointless aside from providing an hour of entertainment. I haven't even read blogs as much as I would've liked to; there's some good ones out there, and they're better than people's status updates on Facebook. (Why do I subject myself to that crazy networking website? I over-do it. Sometimes it makes me want to barf.)

Tonight things changed. I read two chapters in a book called "Prayer" by O. Hallesby. It's really simple and basic, but I need it because I think I have forgotten how to pray and how important it is. Conversing with God is benificial to/for all of us. Here's a quote from chapter 8:

"My little boy came in one day and stuck his little head into the doorway of my study. Now he knows that he was not supposed to disturb me during working hours. And his conscience troubled him a little on account of this. But he looked at me nevertheless with his kind, round baby eyes and said, 'Papa, dear, I will sit still all the time if you will only let me be here with you!' ... Is not that just the way we often feel with regard to our heavenly Father? We do so love to be with Him, just to be in His presence! Moreover, we never disturb Him, no matter when we com nor how often we come!"

I also read Jon Coutts' blog, and he quoted Matthew Wilkinson's blog. Their's are some of my favorites and they're constantly writing on them; we should all read them more often. Here's what hit me from both of them:

(Jon's blog, a reflection on his newest quest for education)

"I am heading off to study God as revealed in Jesus of Nazareth. By grace I have as my subject the Creator who so loved creation that He gave Himself to it in freedom, that it might love Him in freedom!"

(Matthew's blog, the fictional story of Hafford, Saskatchewan... I think I'll have to give myself a day to read the whole thing because I've only heard about Matthew's latest blog from Sarah, and now Jon.)

"It's just that we live in a time when you can't do heroic stuff. Y'know? Unless you join the army or something there's no big moment where you get to discover if you're a coward or whatever, and so I've got to look at the way I walk to the grocery store or behave with my friends, and try to discern the same information. Am I doing these things well? Am I living well generally? How do you live well in a quiet world where nothing changes and people are mostly pretty content? Should I be out looking for injustices?"

(Oh to live in a peaceful small town in Saskatchewan... and to have to look for injustices. Life in inner city big city Alberta is full of injustices... sigh...)

I love reading. I was feeling pretty distraught and depressed when I started reading tonight. After reading 3 paragraphs of Hallesby's book I was clear-headed and calmed. Was that reading, or was it the reminder that there is One who is always listening to my heart, whether or not I am?

Whatever it was, reading is an enjoyable activity and from this point on I will be doing more of it.

What To Expect When You're Expecting

I have 2 particular ex-boyfriends: the first one taught me that I can break my own heart; the other one taught me that I could break his heart. These lessons were learned years ago, but the first lesson keeps coming back to haunt me.

I broke my own heart by making my expectations unreachable. They were unreachable within the particular relationship and they are still unreachable within the connections I once had because of that relationship. Boy #1 has friends and family that I really admire. I was once friends with them, now I am only  acquainted with them. 

I don't really understand why it still breaks my heart occasionally.  I could never have dreamed up a life as great as the one I am living now. I am so happy. 

I don't break my own heart too often, but it bugs me when I do.

There's Always Something

I have been pretty full of joy lately.

I got home from Thailand about a month ago. Since then I have had something major to look forward to all the time.

#1. Being at home was (and still is) very great.
#2. Going back to work was exciting... on the first day...
#3. Our housewarming party was pretty awesome. I experimented with having no expectations, and therefore my expectations were not seriously disappointed. It was such a great time.
#4. Being back at church was pretty good. I got to meet a few new babies.
#5. I got winter tires for my bike.
#6. My choir started. It was supposed to start on Tuesday, but nobody came. I was okay though, because my expectations were NIL. Then I thought nobody was going to show up on Saturday, but 3 girls did. I'd be okay if they were the only girls in the choir forever. They have nice voices and personalities.
#7. I got geckos! Romance and Irie are pretty great. Unfortunately, I saw a male adult gecko last night and he had big ugly balls. I hope my geckos are females.

My life is just a pretty good thing these days. I've heard some spiritually stimulating speakers and I've had some spiritually stimulating facebook conversations. I have some really good friends and I live with really good people. I like my job. I like making crafts. Life is nice. I like a life like that.

But I feel out of joy today.

Even though I like my job, I was unmotivated and bored this week. Long and boring meetings are to blame for that.

Last night I heard that a 16-year-old boy who is very connected to Camp Nakamun killed himself yesterday. I couldn't fall asleep very easily last night, but how in the world is his family ever going to sleep again?

I don't know.

I thank the Lord for the opportunity to have a nap today...

Sarah is coming home.

Once again, I have taken my time to post a blog.

I wanted to post a few weeks ago when I went to the Edmonton Folk Music Festival. I always love that weekend. I did again. My highlights were Royal Wood, Broken Social Scene, Jonny Lang and Buckwheat Zydeco. It was an emotional weekend because I wasn't taking very good care of myself. I was VERY tired by the end of Sunday and I couldn't go on any longer. The most emotional point of the weekend for me was on Sunday afternoon when I was trying to settle down on the main hill for a nap. Buckwheat Zydeco was playing and singing, "All we need is peace, love, and happiness." All of the sudden the sound of the voice changed from a 70-year-old black man from the Southern States with an afro and a suit vest - to - an 8-year-old girl from Edmonton. "All we need is peace, love, and happy days." It went on like that for a few minutes and then the little girl was repeating after the man: "Everything is gonna be alright." He then gave her a lecture about her being the future and us adults not knowing how to take care of our world. ... I was already quite tired so I almost started my cry-fest at that moment. I slept 14 hours that night. It was a great weekend and I can't wait until next year.

I was also going to blog a few days ago when I got back home from a 24 hour camping trip. It was great to get out of the city and great to spend time with friends. My highlight of the weekend was looking up at the stars on Saturday night. Wow. (Or "whow", as some friends might spell it.) I should get out of the city more often. My #2 highlight was getting home. I had a little cold and once again, I hadn't taken care of myself very well. I ate and ate and ate and ate and felt like crap by the end. I slept pretty well that night and enjoyed work and life the next day.

Today I'm going to blog because I feel delightfully melancholy. Besides being really tired, here are some other reasons for my mood:

1. I spent 3 hours making a pinata over the last 2 days, only to have it smashed into pieces with a broom stick.
2. At a staff party today I talked to one of my favorite co-workers who's lover of 7 years is moving to Toronto on Friday. His heart is heavy with that.
3. After the staff party we had another staff party to say good-bye to another one of my favorite co-workers. He's about 70 and he was great to have around. His name is Ken, as was my paternal Grandpa's name, so I called him "Grandpa Ken".
4. On my way home I saw a beautiful teenaged girl holding hands with her really petit old grandma as they were crossing the street downtown. They looked like best friends.
5. One block later I saw a 10-year-old boy holding hands with his 4-year-old sister so that she would be safe getting back onto the sidewalk from the crosswalk. They were both wearing awkward pants with rubber boots. I wish I had had a camera to take a picture of it.

Sarah is coming home tonight and she'll be here for good. It will be nice to have her home.

P.S.

In the end, this day turned out just fine.

Friends are good. Seeing old friends and meeting new ones is good. Friends having birthday parties is pretty awesome.

Dark and swirly clouds aren't really that good, but watching them come and go quickly is good. It's also good when they leave behind a rainbow.

Melodicas are the best thing ever right now.

Some days work out okay, but other days don't.

This is definitely not the worst day of my life, but it's been a down day so far. Here's why:

1. I'm tired. I haven't been getting 8 full hours of sleep for a long time. 7 is pretty good, and that's what I get normally, but I haven't had a chance to sleep in for a long time. Oh wait. I slept in on Canada day. I worked hard that day though, so I needed my sleep.
2. I don't have much energy. I haven't been riding my bicycle to work lately. Exercise gives energy. I don't get much exercise; I don't have much energy.
   
3. I'm frustrated with myself. I thought I was being funny today when I was joking around with a c0-worker who I've been getting to know a very little bit lately. She wasn't at the vending machine when her change came out, so I took it. When she came to get it from me I threw it on the floor and laughed and said, "I'm a mean girl!" I was joking, but then she didn't say anything so I thought she might have been hurt. I tried to apologize about 10 minutes later, but she didn't hear me. (I didn't try hard enough.) Another co-worker told me that I brought the girl to tears. MY GOODNESS BECKY! I should stop trying to be funny... I apologized to the girl and she gave a nice polite smile and nod. I'll have to be extra kind to her. I like her. That's why I tried to joke around with her. My sense of humor=not everybody's sense of humor. Sheesh.
4. I don't have all the answers or solutions to the problems that people come to me with. I hear about a lot of problems at work every day. Some days it gets me down.
5. I want a puppy.
   

I just ate some nice healthy eggs and yogurt and blueberries, and I'm going to have a nap and read "Persepolis". Hopefully my day will get better from this point on.

Part 2

Do you realize that there are too many categories under your quality of life to sanely manage? Maybe it's just me, but I've been quite overwhelmed with it all lately. Here are the categories that are important in my life: loving well, family, friends, my Creator, bicycling, making music that I enjoy, reading books that I enjoy, sleeping enough, eating healthy food, eating food that I enjoy, playing with puppies, tickling babies, working and being approachable there, my church community, communicating with people who are far away from me... and more. (I had intended on making the categories things like - emotionally, spiritually, athletically, mentally, etc. - but I don't know if "puppily" is a word... Actually, I know it isn't a word.) Anyways, I've been putting too much on my plate lately and I don't know if that is going to calm down soon.

Part 3

I am looking forward to a few things:

1. Playing with Brock at Michelle and Luke's wedding on Friday. I'm playing my melodica and piano and singing harmony. We're doing some pretty pretty fun songs.
2. Calgary Folk Music Festival is in 2.5 weeks. I'm going and the music and environment are going to fill me with joy.
   
3. Edmonton Folk Music Festival is in a month. I'm volunteering for the 3rd time and it is always the best weekend ever.
   
4. I will also see Joel Plaskett and Ryan Adams this summer. I enjoy them.

It's time for that nap.

Please enjoy yourself.

I Will Do My Best In Love

It has been almost 1 month since my last post. That indicates I have been emotionally stable enough to not need attention from blogging... or it means I haven't been thinking for a month. The latter is true: I haven't been thinking for a month - I have just been letting anger build.

I started working in the inner city in December last year; that's 5.5 months ago. I like the relationships I've built with many of the community members. Sometimes it's really hard not to say, "Hey, you should come out with me and my friends tomorrow night. You would really enjoy it." (In fact, I did say that last Friday. Ooops. Thankfully (?) the guy had no money so he couldn't have come out to the show.) Relationships are great.

I work in the employment department where we help people get casual jobs for a day at a time. Sometimes the day jobs turn into weekly or monthly gigs. I like when that happens. Unfortunately, when the day jobs are supposed to turn into weekly jobs and they don't, it becomes our fault (not always, but often). A few weeks ago I lost all compassion and felt like saying to some of the people, "Well, if you want to have a real job, then grow up and speak for yourself and get yourself a real job." I'm pretty sure I've probably said something of the like to one or a few of our program participants. (Sometimes you have to be blunt and tough.) The point is, most people in the inner city have addiction issues or mental health issues that keep them from growing up and speaking for themselves. Yuck, and I don't know how to solve that problem. Anger has been festering in me because I deal with a lot of people who lack the common sense I have and therefore make what I classify as bad decisions. On grumpy days, my inner feelings are, "DANG IT PEOPLE! DO IT RIGHT!"

Here is a quick list of other things that have been making me angry lately:
1. Bad drivers. Pardon me, but I'm mostly thinking of taxi drivers who decide to stop in the middle of the road to wait for their passengers.
2. Loud vehicles - motorcycles and "pimped out" cars - that go up the hill beside my apartment at any time of day, particularly after my bed time.
3. People who jay-walk in really dangerous situations.
4. People who wear too much perfume and then go into elevators.
5. People who litter.
6. People who over-consume and over-use and don't recycle or think about the consequences or the stupidity of the things they are doing. (Like the girl on House Hunters on HGTV yesterday who lives with her dog and bought a 3 bedroom house because of the HUGE master bedroom closet where all of her shoes and all of her clothes and all of her dog's clothes would fit. AAAARRRGGG!!!)
7. People who purposefully un-include others for the sake of making them feel small and insignificant.
8. People/Governments who prevent people from other countries coming into their country to provide much needed necessities of life after major environmental disasters like cyclones.

(By the way, I get angry at myself for being the person in numbers 6 and 7. Oh, and number 1 - I just got ANOTHER speeding ticket in the mail! Boo-how-ee-se.)

Those are the things that make me angry, and there is also one thing that has been very frustrating for me for the past year or two: the fact that many of my closest friends do not hold the same views as me regarding things like the divinity of the Bible and Jesus, what things are sins, and the importance of going to church or being a part of a Christian community if you are a Christian. I've just begun to realize that the reason these things frustrate me is because I didn't expect this to happen when I was a little girl. I thought everyone I know and love would know and love the same truths that I know and love. Life is not like that. Harumpff.

This weekend it came to my attention by 2 very great friends of mine (Sarah and Jonathan) that my frustration and anger over the aforementioned issues has been manifested in my mannerisms lately.

"Love Becky, love!" said Jonathan.

"Why are you so angry lately?" said Sarah.

On Saturday night when I was falling asleep, I started swearing at the devil. I used the F word that has been a major part of my mental vocabulary recently. (My verbal vocabulary says it like this - "Mother Ucker!" - because of my favorite episode of Flight of the Conchords. You should watch it.) Not that my anger and frustration was turning me into a monster, but I really hated the fact that anger and frustration was taking over my personality little by little. As I fell asleep that night I decided to change my status on Facebook from "Becky would like to give a ticket to anyone who jay-walks, drives stupidly or wears too much perfume." to "Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens - reduce, reuse, recycle, RESPECT, relax... and LOVE."

I love it when the sermon at church on Sunday is exactly what I need to hear; that's how it was yesterday. The sermon was on Ephesians 6:10-19; it's the "Armor of God" passage. That is probably the most familiar passage of the Bible to me. From about the age of 7 to 11 my dad always read us a morning devotional and then we each prayed. Because there were 6 of us, each of us had a piece of the Armor of God to pray onto our family. The point of the whole section can be found in verse 12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The phrases "be strong", "take your stand", "stand your ground", and "stand firm" are also part of the point.

My dad is the #1 spiritual mentor of my life so far. He has always been my pastor up until about 2 years ago. He has taught me that Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer. With watching my closest friends struggle with this truth, I have not held so firmly to that truth in the past few years. Well folks, I'm back. Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer.

One of the biggest religious questions out there is this: "With all that we see in the world, how can we know that God exists?" Yesterday, Pastor Ken flipped the question: with all the horrors that have gone on in humanity - what humans can and have done to each other - how can we chalk that up to the horrible minds of people? We can’t! There IS an influencing factor, and he is Satan - the "ruler of the kingdom of the air". I hate him, and I know that even though many of my friends have different opinions then me, you all hate him too. You just might not think about him as much as I do, or in the same way as I do. Satan is the one who likes to trick people into doing all of the things that I get angry about. Satan is the creator of addictions, mental health diseases, selfishness, carelessness, the desire to rebel against the law, ignorance of the law, disrespect... I could go on and on and on...

The reason that I believe Jesus is the only answer to all of this evil can only be explained by saying that I have a child-like faith and I believe because I believe. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He was and is Divine. Many people admire Jesus because He was so loving and pure. Buddha, Gandhi, Mohammad, Mother Theresa, the Pope and the Dalai Lama are admired by many people, just like Jesus is. I admire some things that I hear about those people too. From what I’ve heard (not from what I know, since I am not a scholar), Jesus is the only one who said he is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” Jesus is sin-less and pure and he knew it; He didn’t flaunt it – He is humble. Jesus is the only one who was “crucified, dead, and buried… [and] on the third day rose again.”

SO, I am a Christian and I will stand firm in the armor of God.

***TANGENT: We could now get into a conversation about how so many Christians hold that warfare mentality and just want to fight and destroy all of the evil things and people on this planet. Or we could get into a discussion about why I would call myself a Christian and therefore identify myself with all of the Christians in this world and in history who have royally screwed things up for anyone who ever wants to use the word “Christian” to mean what it is supposed to mean – “a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament…”. People are imperfect. Christians are imperfect. Words are imperfect. We can discuss these things later. TANGENT OVER***

As I said, I am a Christian and I will do my best with the help of my God to “Stand firm then, with the belt of TRUTH buckled around [my] waist, the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS in place, and with [my] feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of PEACE. In addition to all this, [I will] take up the shield of FAITH, with which [I] can extinguish all of the flaming arrows of the evil one. [I will] take the helmet of SALVATION and the sword of the SPIRIT, which is the word of God. [I will] pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, [I will] be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

Another thing: my facebook status is currently “Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens…” Pastor Ken also said something like this during yesterday’s sermon: If we aren’t intentionally living as citizens of God’s Kingdom in this alien place – Earth – then what are we doing? I encourage everyone to be good citizens on this earth. More importantly though, I encourage everyone who is a member of God’s Kingdom on Earth to be good and intentional citizens of God’s Kingdom on this foreign planet we currently call home.