I am Girl #1

I wish dating was like it used to be: you try once, and that’s it. Was dating ever like that? It still is like that for a lot of people. I wish it was like that for me. Dating and breaking up makes life too complicated. It adds garbage to life. Sometimes the garbage gets cleaned up with time; sometimes it doesn’t.

Last year I broke up with boy #1. Two months after we broke up we started to spend time together again. We were noticing that our attraction to each other hadn’t left us. One night we went for a walk. Boy #1 said to me, “When we start dating again, let’s never break up again.” That statement gave me so much hope in that moment.

I was at a Matthew Barber show last week. I forget the exact lyrics, but in one of his songs he says something about a moment being separate from time. Shoot. I wish I could find the exact words. Anyways, how true it is that there are so many “moments” in life that are separate from time or reality. Like the moment of hope I had when boy #1 said, “Let’s never break up again.” Or like the moment of determination I had last weekend when I decided that I was never going to purchase clothing again; I decided that I would sew my own clothes for the rest of my life.

Back to dating: boy #1 and I dated for 2 more months, and then we broke up again. 3 months later I started dating boy #2. Boy #2 was everything boy #1 wasn’t. I was stuck in a moment for weeks. Then I found out boy #1 was dating girl #2 – a friend of mine. I thought, “That’s funny. I knew they would be together (again) one day.” One week after I found out that out, I was out of moments with boy #2 so I broke up with him. Even though I knew that it was right that boy #1 and I weren’t together, I didn’t think it was “funny” any more that he was dating girl #2. When girl #2 came to the city to visit over Christmas, I avoided her.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I found out the other day that girl #2 is moving to the city for the summer. That really bums me out. It's irrational, but normal.

I am over boy #1 and boy #2, but I am not over the expectations I had of either of them. My heart still mourns the loss of boy #1 and boy #2 because I’m still disappointed that my expectations were not met.

I hate expectations.

On the other hand, I always have expectations when I go to Winners. I expect that I will find some great new shoes. My expectations were met today.