It has been almost 1 month since my last post. That indicates I have been emotionally stable enough to not need attention from blogging... or it means I haven't been thinking for a month. The latter is true: I haven't been thinking for a month - I have just been letting anger build.
I started working in the inner city in December last year; that's 5.5 months ago. I like the relationships I've built with many of the community members. Sometimes it's really hard not to say, "Hey, you should come out with me and my friends tomorrow night. You would really enjoy it." (In fact, I did say that last Friday. Ooops. Thankfully (?) the guy had no money so he couldn't have come out to the show.) Relationships are great.
I work in the employment department where we help people get casual jobs for a day at a time. Sometimes the day jobs turn into weekly or monthly gigs. I like when that happens. Unfortunately, when the day jobs are supposed to turn into weekly jobs and they don't, it becomes our fault (not always, but often). A few weeks ago I lost all compassion and felt like saying to some of the people, "Well, if you want to have a real job, then grow up and speak for yourself and get yourself a real job." I'm pretty sure I've probably said something of the like to one or a few of our program participants. (Sometimes you have to be blunt and tough.) The point is, most people in the inner city have addiction issues or mental health issues that keep them from growing up and speaking for themselves. Yuck, and I don't know how to solve that problem. Anger has been festering in me because I deal with a lot of people who lack the common sense I have and therefore make what I classify as bad decisions. On grumpy days, my inner feelings are, "DANG IT PEOPLE! DO IT RIGHT!"
Here is a quick list of other things that have been making me angry lately:
1. Bad drivers. Pardon me, but I'm mostly thinking of taxi drivers who decide to stop in the middle of the road to wait for their passengers.
2. Loud vehicles - motorcycles and "pimped out" cars - that go up the hill beside my apartment at any time of day, particularly after my bed time.
3. People who jay-walk in really dangerous situations.
4. People who wear too much perfume and then go into elevators.
5. People who litter.
6. People who over-consume and over-use and don't recycle or think about the consequences or the stupidity of the things they are doing. (Like the girl on House Hunters on HGTV yesterday who lives with her dog and bought a 3 bedroom house because of the HUGE master bedroom closet where all of her shoes and all of her clothes and all of her dog's clothes would fit. AAAARRRGGG!!!)
7. People who purposefully un-include others for the sake of making them feel small and insignificant.
8. People/Governments who prevent people from other countries coming into their country to provide much needed necessities of life after major environmental disasters like cyclones.
(By the way, I get angry at myself for being the person in numbers 6 and 7. Oh, and number 1 - I just got ANOTHER speeding ticket in the mail! Boo-how-ee-se.)
Those are the things that make me angry, and there is also one thing that has been very frustrating for me for the past year or two: the fact that many of my closest friends do not hold the same views as me regarding things like the divinity of the Bible and Jesus, what things are sins, and the importance of going to church or being a part of a Christian community if you are a Christian. I've just begun to realize that the reason these things frustrate me is because I didn't expect this to happen when I was a little girl. I thought everyone I know and love would know and love the same truths that I know and love. Life is not like that. Harumpff.
This weekend it came to my attention by 2 very great friends of mine (Sarah and Jonathan) that my frustration and anger over the aforementioned issues has been manifested in my mannerisms lately.
"Love Becky, love!" said Jonathan.
"Why are you so angry lately?" said Sarah.
On Saturday night when I was falling asleep, I started swearing at the devil. I used the F word that has been a major part of my mental vocabulary recently. (My verbal vocabulary says it like this - "Mother Ucker!" - because of my favorite episode of Flight of the Conchords. You should watch it.) Not that my anger and frustration was turning me into a monster, but I really hated the fact that anger and frustration was taking over my personality little by little. As I fell asleep that night I decided to change my status on Facebook from "Becky would like to give a ticket to anyone who jay-walks, drives stupidly or wears too much perfume." to "Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens - reduce, reuse, recycle, RESPECT, relax... and LOVE."
I love it when the sermon at church on Sunday is exactly what I need to hear; that's how it was yesterday. The sermon was on Ephesians 6:10-19; it's the "Armor of God" passage. That is probably the most familiar passage of the Bible to me. From about the age of 7 to 11 my dad always read us a morning devotional and then we each prayed. Because there were 6 of us, each of us had a piece of the Armor of God to pray onto our family. The point of the whole section can be found in verse 12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The phrases "be strong", "take your stand", "stand your ground", and "stand firm" are also part of the point.
My dad is the #1 spiritual mentor of my life so far. He has always been my pastor up until about 2 years ago. He has taught me that Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer. With watching my closest friends struggle with this truth, I have not held so firmly to that truth in the past few years. Well folks, I'm back. Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer.
One of the biggest religious questions out there is this: "With all that we see in the world, how can we know that God exists?" Yesterday, Pastor Ken flipped the question: with all the horrors that have gone on in humanity - what humans can and have done to each other - how can we chalk that up to the horrible minds of people? We can’t! There IS an influencing factor, and he is Satan - the "ruler of the kingdom of the air". I hate him, and I know that even though many of my friends have different opinions then me, you all hate him too. You just might not think about him as much as I do, or in the same way as I do. Satan is the one who likes to trick people into doing all of the things that I get angry about. Satan is the creator of addictions, mental health diseases, selfishness, carelessness, the desire to rebel against the law, ignorance of the law, disrespect... I could go on and on and on...
The reason that I believe Jesus is the only answer to all of this evil can only be explained by saying that I have a child-like faith and I believe because I believe. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He was and is Divine. Many people admire Jesus because He was so loving and pure. Buddha, Gandhi, Mohammad, Mother Theresa, the Pope and the Dalai Lama are admired by many people, just like Jesus is. I admire some things that I hear about those people too. From what I’ve heard (not from what I know, since I am not a scholar), Jesus is the only one who said he is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” Jesus is sin-less and pure and he knew it; He didn’t flaunt it – He is humble. Jesus is the only one who was “crucified, dead, and buried… [and] on the third day rose again.”
SO, I am a Christian and I will stand firm in the armor of God.
***TANGENT: We could now get into a conversation about how so many Christians hold that warfare mentality and just want to fight and destroy all of the evil things and people on this planet. Or we could get into a discussion about why I would call myself a Christian and therefore identify myself with all of the Christians in this world and in history who have royally screwed things up for anyone who ever wants to use the word “Christian” to mean what it is supposed to mean – “a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament…”. People are imperfect. Christians are imperfect. Words are imperfect. We can discuss these things later. TANGENT OVER***
Another thing: my facebook status is currently “Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens…” Pastor Ken also said something like this during yesterday’s sermon: If we aren’t intentionally living as citizens of God’s Kingdom in this alien place – Earth – then what are we doing? I encourage everyone to be good citizens on this earth. More importantly though, I encourage everyone who is a member of God’s Kingdom on Earth to be good and intentional citizens of God’s Kingdom on this foreign planet we currently call home.
