I Might Make Time for a Dream Journal

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I was at a suicide intervention training seminar for the last 2 days. The facilitators weren't very good. I enjoyed meeting new people though. I wasn't really friendly with them, but I watched them closely and I wanted to be friends with them. They all liked my shoes; it was nice to have that in common.

Neutral

My emotions have been pretty pretty neutral this week. There are many things that could put me on an emotional roller-coaster, but thank My Good Lord, I'm neutral.

Unfortunately, with neutral emotions comes a lack of desire to create anything. I don't feel like knitting, I don't feel like writing, and I don't feel like creating music. Oh wait. I did create a lot of food this week. That is a healthy thing about neutral emotions for me; I have a good appetite when there is nothing "devastating" and nothing "thrilling".

Here are the many things I was talking about a few minutes ago:

#1. Barbara, Brett and Miles are moving back to China in 3 days. I am really good at making Miles laugh. The build up to them leaving is always "devastating" for me, and this time it should be more intense because Miles is alive. But I'm okay. I am pleasantly surprised.


#2. My dad's cancer is growing and his chemo dosage will double in 2 weeks. He is in phase 2 of 3 phases in treating his terminal cancer. The doctors gave him until 2002 to live, so we're pretty happy with the time we've had with him. At one point he didn't think he would see any of his daughters get married; now he has 5.5 grandchildren.


#3. I saw boy #1 and girl #2 last night. I handled it well. My heart feels more settled than it did yesterday.

(Note: I saw them at the Brock Tyler and Matt Epp show at Cafe Select. The boys did a SMASHING job, not to mention the angelic voice of Heather Donily. I hope she records something of her very own very soon.)

#4. (This one is "thrilling".) I'm having crushes on boys again! There have been 2 crushes in the last 8 days. Fortunately, I'm not letting my emotions run away on me.


#5. Working in the inner city.



I like feeling neutral because then my brain and heart are relaxed enough to enjoy a good book. That's what I will go do now.

P.S. Heidi, thank you for those Matthew Barber lyrics. I hadn't figured it out yet. He didn't put his lyrics with his album. I'm finding out that I really appreciate lyrics with an album.

I am Girl #1

I wish dating was like it used to be: you try once, and that’s it. Was dating ever like that? It still is like that for a lot of people. I wish it was like that for me. Dating and breaking up makes life too complicated. It adds garbage to life. Sometimes the garbage gets cleaned up with time; sometimes it doesn’t.

Last year I broke up with boy #1. Two months after we broke up we started to spend time together again. We were noticing that our attraction to each other hadn’t left us. One night we went for a walk. Boy #1 said to me, “When we start dating again, let’s never break up again.” That statement gave me so much hope in that moment.

I was at a Matthew Barber show last week. I forget the exact lyrics, but in one of his songs he says something about a moment being separate from time. Shoot. I wish I could find the exact words. Anyways, how true it is that there are so many “moments” in life that are separate from time or reality. Like the moment of hope I had when boy #1 said, “Let’s never break up again.” Or like the moment of determination I had last weekend when I decided that I was never going to purchase clothing again; I decided that I would sew my own clothes for the rest of my life.

Back to dating: boy #1 and I dated for 2 more months, and then we broke up again. 3 months later I started dating boy #2. Boy #2 was everything boy #1 wasn’t. I was stuck in a moment for weeks. Then I found out boy #1 was dating girl #2 – a friend of mine. I thought, “That’s funny. I knew they would be together (again) one day.” One week after I found out that out, I was out of moments with boy #2 so I broke up with him. Even though I knew that it was right that boy #1 and I weren’t together, I didn’t think it was “funny” any more that he was dating girl #2. When girl #2 came to the city to visit over Christmas, I avoided her.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I found out the other day that girl #2 is moving to the city for the summer. That really bums me out. It's irrational, but normal.

I am over boy #1 and boy #2, but I am not over the expectations I had of either of them. My heart still mourns the loss of boy #1 and boy #2 because I’m still disappointed that my expectations were not met.

I hate expectations.

On the other hand, I always have expectations when I go to Winners. I expect that I will find some great new shoes. My expectations were met today.