I Will Do My Best In Love

It has been almost 1 month since my last post. That indicates I have been emotionally stable enough to not need attention from blogging... or it means I haven't been thinking for a month. The latter is true: I haven't been thinking for a month - I have just been letting anger build.

I started working in the inner city in December last year; that's 5.5 months ago. I like the relationships I've built with many of the community members. Sometimes it's really hard not to say, "Hey, you should come out with me and my friends tomorrow night. You would really enjoy it." (In fact, I did say that last Friday. Ooops. Thankfully (?) the guy had no money so he couldn't have come out to the show.) Relationships are great.

I work in the employment department where we help people get casual jobs for a day at a time. Sometimes the day jobs turn into weekly or monthly gigs. I like when that happens. Unfortunately, when the day jobs are supposed to turn into weekly jobs and they don't, it becomes our fault (not always, but often). A few weeks ago I lost all compassion and felt like saying to some of the people, "Well, if you want to have a real job, then grow up and speak for yourself and get yourself a real job." I'm pretty sure I've probably said something of the like to one or a few of our program participants. (Sometimes you have to be blunt and tough.) The point is, most people in the inner city have addiction issues or mental health issues that keep them from growing up and speaking for themselves. Yuck, and I don't know how to solve that problem. Anger has been festering in me because I deal with a lot of people who lack the common sense I have and therefore make what I classify as bad decisions. On grumpy days, my inner feelings are, "DANG IT PEOPLE! DO IT RIGHT!"

Here is a quick list of other things that have been making me angry lately:
1. Bad drivers. Pardon me, but I'm mostly thinking of taxi drivers who decide to stop in the middle of the road to wait for their passengers.
2. Loud vehicles - motorcycles and "pimped out" cars - that go up the hill beside my apartment at any time of day, particularly after my bed time.
3. People who jay-walk in really dangerous situations.
4. People who wear too much perfume and then go into elevators.
5. People who litter.
6. People who over-consume and over-use and don't recycle or think about the consequences or the stupidity of the things they are doing. (Like the girl on House Hunters on HGTV yesterday who lives with her dog and bought a 3 bedroom house because of the HUGE master bedroom closet where all of her shoes and all of her clothes and all of her dog's clothes would fit. AAAARRRGGG!!!)
7. People who purposefully un-include others for the sake of making them feel small and insignificant.
8. People/Governments who prevent people from other countries coming into their country to provide much needed necessities of life after major environmental disasters like cyclones.

(By the way, I get angry at myself for being the person in numbers 6 and 7. Oh, and number 1 - I just got ANOTHER speeding ticket in the mail! Boo-how-ee-se.)

Those are the things that make me angry, and there is also one thing that has been very frustrating for me for the past year or two: the fact that many of my closest friends do not hold the same views as me regarding things like the divinity of the Bible and Jesus, what things are sins, and the importance of going to church or being a part of a Christian community if you are a Christian. I've just begun to realize that the reason these things frustrate me is because I didn't expect this to happen when I was a little girl. I thought everyone I know and love would know and love the same truths that I know and love. Life is not like that. Harumpff.

This weekend it came to my attention by 2 very great friends of mine (Sarah and Jonathan) that my frustration and anger over the aforementioned issues has been manifested in my mannerisms lately.

"Love Becky, love!" said Jonathan.

"Why are you so angry lately?" said Sarah.

On Saturday night when I was falling asleep, I started swearing at the devil. I used the F word that has been a major part of my mental vocabulary recently. (My verbal vocabulary says it like this - "Mother Ucker!" - because of my favorite episode of Flight of the Conchords. You should watch it.) Not that my anger and frustration was turning me into a monster, but I really hated the fact that anger and frustration was taking over my personality little by little. As I fell asleep that night I decided to change my status on Facebook from "Becky would like to give a ticket to anyone who jay-walks, drives stupidly or wears too much perfume." to "Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens - reduce, reuse, recycle, RESPECT, relax... and LOVE."

I love it when the sermon at church on Sunday is exactly what I need to hear; that's how it was yesterday. The sermon was on Ephesians 6:10-19; it's the "Armor of God" passage. That is probably the most familiar passage of the Bible to me. From about the age of 7 to 11 my dad always read us a morning devotional and then we each prayed. Because there were 6 of us, each of us had a piece of the Armor of God to pray onto our family. The point of the whole section can be found in verse 12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." The phrases "be strong", "take your stand", "stand your ground", and "stand firm" are also part of the point.

My dad is the #1 spiritual mentor of my life so far. He has always been my pastor up until about 2 years ago. He has taught me that Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer. With watching my closest friends struggle with this truth, I have not held so firmly to that truth in the past few years. Well folks, I'm back. Satan exists and Jesus is the only answer.

One of the biggest religious questions out there is this: "With all that we see in the world, how can we know that God exists?" Yesterday, Pastor Ken flipped the question: with all the horrors that have gone on in humanity - what humans can and have done to each other - how can we chalk that up to the horrible minds of people? We can’t! There IS an influencing factor, and he is Satan - the "ruler of the kingdom of the air". I hate him, and I know that even though many of my friends have different opinions then me, you all hate him too. You just might not think about him as much as I do, or in the same way as I do. Satan is the one who likes to trick people into doing all of the things that I get angry about. Satan is the creator of addictions, mental health diseases, selfishness, carelessness, the desire to rebel against the law, ignorance of the law, disrespect... I could go on and on and on...

The reason that I believe Jesus is the only answer to all of this evil can only be explained by saying that I have a child-like faith and I believe because I believe. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that He was and is Divine. Many people admire Jesus because He was so loving and pure. Buddha, Gandhi, Mohammad, Mother Theresa, the Pope and the Dalai Lama are admired by many people, just like Jesus is. I admire some things that I hear about those people too. From what I’ve heard (not from what I know, since I am not a scholar), Jesus is the only one who said he is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” Jesus is sin-less and pure and he knew it; He didn’t flaunt it – He is humble. Jesus is the only one who was “crucified, dead, and buried… [and] on the third day rose again.”

SO, I am a Christian and I will stand firm in the armor of God.

***TANGENT: We could now get into a conversation about how so many Christians hold that warfare mentality and just want to fight and destroy all of the evil things and people on this planet. Or we could get into a discussion about why I would call myself a Christian and therefore identify myself with all of the Christians in this world and in history who have royally screwed things up for anyone who ever wants to use the word “Christian” to mean what it is supposed to mean – “a person who adheres to Christianity, a monotheistic religion centered on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ as presented in the New Testament…”. People are imperfect. Christians are imperfect. Words are imperfect. We can discuss these things later. TANGENT OVER***

As I said, I am a Christian and I will do my best with the help of my God to “Stand firm then, with the belt of TRUTH buckled around [my] waist, the breastplate of RIGHTEOUSNESS in place, and with [my] feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of PEACE. In addition to all this, [I will] take up the shield of FAITH, with which [I] can extinguish all of the flaming arrows of the evil one. [I will] take the helmet of SALVATION and the sword of the SPIRIT, which is the word of God. [I will] pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, [I will] be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

Another thing: my facebook status is currently “Becky encourages everyone to be good citizens…” Pastor Ken also said something like this during yesterday’s sermon: If we aren’t intentionally living as citizens of God’s Kingdom in this alien place – Earth – then what are we doing? I encourage everyone to be good citizens on this earth. More importantly though, I encourage everyone who is a member of God’s Kingdom on Earth to be good and intentional citizens of God’s Kingdom on this foreign planet we currently call home.

Today I fell more in love with the people I love.

There is a lot of snow in Edmonton these days, and with that comes a lot of people in the inner-city hang outs. 7-7:30 am was a busy 1/2 hour for us employment people today. When things calmed down at 7:30 I had a chance to talk with some of my favorite people in the inner city. One of those people is a really brilliant man with a thick accent. A lot of times when he talks I just nod like I understand what he is saying (because it is over my head, and in a thick accent); usually he catches on that I'm just pretending to understand. He really loves his family but he hasn't seen them for 25 years. Thanks to facebook he has seen his niece as an adult. A lot of people have died in his family so he often chokes up when we're talking. What a guy.

When he left my office at 8, one of the younger guys came to my door and said, "How come you never invite me into your office for a heart to heart?" And I said something to the effect of, "As if you can top his story." Mr. Younger Guy came in and told me a little bit about growing up in the foster care/adoption system of Alberta. I mentioned that I watched a great movie (Gone Baby, Gone) on Friday that really got me thinking about what is best for kids who are neglected by their biological parents. We didn't really have an opportunity to take our conversation deeper, but he listed 3 great movies that will teach me about the realities of street life and the lives of drug addicts. (Once Were Warriors, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?, Through A Blue Lens)

From 9 am to 12 pm I trained the new girl. She needs no training at all. She's a natural and we are all pleasantly shocked. Her initials are opposite of mine - SH!

After a drive in Angela's amazing car (it's little, but it NEVER gets stuck in the crazy snow) to Whyte Ave for lunch, it was back to the paper work. Mr. Encouraging But Also Over My Head came to me to get his resume changed and faxed to some really great job opportunities. In January he saw the picture of Miles on my desktop; since then he has referred to Miles as my boyfriend.


Today he saw my new desktop picture of Thomas. I told him he was another boyfriend of mine.


Mr. EBAOMH started asking me questions about my family and I started showing him some really great pictures. I love talking about my family. The more I talk about them, the more I love them.





Before I knew it, it was 2:30 and time for me to leave. I knew my car would be stuck, so I asked Mr. EBAOMH to round up some help downstairs to push my car out of the snow. He did. It worked.

Even though I was quite exhausted and dizzy, I went to the library to look for those movies. I ran out of energy while I was looking, so I headed back to the parkade. I took a different underground route to get back to my car... so I couldn't find it. I decided to just go back upstairs and outside and take my original route to my car. As I walked out of the library I spotted Mr. EBAOMH. I laughed and greeted him and told him I lost my car and I was dizzy and I needed a nap. We chuckled and went our separate ways. 20 steps later I heard someone running towards me.

"Are you going to be okay? Will you make it to your car?" Mr. EBAOMH said.

I replied, "I'll be fine. Thanks!"

I really like my community. Tomorrow Angie, Heidi, Jess and I are meeting with Communitas about forming a co-operative and buying a big house in our community for us to live in. We are all ready for change.

Yesterday my shirts from Threadless arrived. They fit perfectly. I am thrilled.

I'm still waiting for my other on-line order - Proactiv - the new solution to the problem with my face. I am devastated.(Just joking.)

I Might Make Time for a Dream Journal

Start at the bottom left corner.


I was at a suicide intervention training seminar for the last 2 days. The facilitators weren't very good. I enjoyed meeting new people though. I wasn't really friendly with them, but I watched them closely and I wanted to be friends with them. They all liked my shoes; it was nice to have that in common.

Neutral

My emotions have been pretty pretty neutral this week. There are many things that could put me on an emotional roller-coaster, but thank My Good Lord, I'm neutral.

Unfortunately, with neutral emotions comes a lack of desire to create anything. I don't feel like knitting, I don't feel like writing, and I don't feel like creating music. Oh wait. I did create a lot of food this week. That is a healthy thing about neutral emotions for me; I have a good appetite when there is nothing "devastating" and nothing "thrilling".

Here are the many things I was talking about a few minutes ago:

#1. Barbara, Brett and Miles are moving back to China in 3 days. I am really good at making Miles laugh. The build up to them leaving is always "devastating" for me, and this time it should be more intense because Miles is alive. But I'm okay. I am pleasantly surprised.


#2. My dad's cancer is growing and his chemo dosage will double in 2 weeks. He is in phase 2 of 3 phases in treating his terminal cancer. The doctors gave him until 2002 to live, so we're pretty happy with the time we've had with him. At one point he didn't think he would see any of his daughters get married; now he has 5.5 grandchildren.


#3. I saw boy #1 and girl #2 last night. I handled it well. My heart feels more settled than it did yesterday.

(Note: I saw them at the Brock Tyler and Matt Epp show at Cafe Select. The boys did a SMASHING job, not to mention the angelic voice of Heather Donily. I hope she records something of her very own very soon.)

#4. (This one is "thrilling".) I'm having crushes on boys again! There have been 2 crushes in the last 8 days. Fortunately, I'm not letting my emotions run away on me.


#5. Working in the inner city.



I like feeling neutral because then my brain and heart are relaxed enough to enjoy a good book. That's what I will go do now.

P.S. Heidi, thank you for those Matthew Barber lyrics. I hadn't figured it out yet. He didn't put his lyrics with his album. I'm finding out that I really appreciate lyrics with an album.

I am Girl #1

I wish dating was like it used to be: you try once, and that’s it. Was dating ever like that? It still is like that for a lot of people. I wish it was like that for me. Dating and breaking up makes life too complicated. It adds garbage to life. Sometimes the garbage gets cleaned up with time; sometimes it doesn’t.

Last year I broke up with boy #1. Two months after we broke up we started to spend time together again. We were noticing that our attraction to each other hadn’t left us. One night we went for a walk. Boy #1 said to me, “When we start dating again, let’s never break up again.” That statement gave me so much hope in that moment.

I was at a Matthew Barber show last week. I forget the exact lyrics, but in one of his songs he says something about a moment being separate from time. Shoot. I wish I could find the exact words. Anyways, how true it is that there are so many “moments” in life that are separate from time or reality. Like the moment of hope I had when boy #1 said, “Let’s never break up again.” Or like the moment of determination I had last weekend when I decided that I was never going to purchase clothing again; I decided that I would sew my own clothes for the rest of my life.

Back to dating: boy #1 and I dated for 2 more months, and then we broke up again. 3 months later I started dating boy #2. Boy #2 was everything boy #1 wasn’t. I was stuck in a moment for weeks. Then I found out boy #1 was dating girl #2 – a friend of mine. I thought, “That’s funny. I knew they would be together (again) one day.” One week after I found out that out, I was out of moments with boy #2 so I broke up with him. Even though I knew that it was right that boy #1 and I weren’t together, I didn’t think it was “funny” any more that he was dating girl #2. When girl #2 came to the city to visit over Christmas, I avoided her.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I found out the other day that girl #2 is moving to the city for the summer. That really bums me out. It's irrational, but normal.

I am over boy #1 and boy #2, but I am not over the expectations I had of either of them. My heart still mourns the loss of boy #1 and boy #2 because I’m still disappointed that my expectations were not met.

I hate expectations.

On the other hand, I always have expectations when I go to Winners. I expect that I will find some great new shoes. My expectations were met today.