Heavy Heart Season is Almost Over

There's so many things I want to write about. I don't know how I'll do it. I guess I'll just ramble...

I really like reading my friends' blogs. Since deciding to keep a distance from Facebook, I've been getting closer to blog land. My favorites are: Zapfs, Julie, Caylie, Brett and Deanna. All of them are really different, but all of them are really honest. Obviously. I think that's what blogs are all about. My all-time favorite is the Zapfs. Josh and Jenny are SO brilliant and creative and loving, and their children are growing up to be just the same.

Do most people function below capacity for the last 2 months of each semester? I really don't know if I can (or should) do this school thing for the next 3 years (full-time) or 10 years (part-time). I suppose if I really want this degree I should get it over with fast. Then again, I'm pretty employable as is. I would be more employable with the degree, and perhaps wealthier in the long run. What is more important: my sanity, or my employability/wealth? Sanity, I think. I'll have to keep mulling this one over.

I live in community, and I value community, but sometimes I feel like I distance myself from community. There are 7 girls living in this house. We are all very different, and we all lead different lives. We all desire to be a support to each other. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not very supportive to my housemates. I'm just not home that much, and if I'm home, I'm not very present. I like my room. I like my computer. I like my studies. (j.k.- I just have to study and I feel like I accomplish something if I do.) I've been through tough times and my housemates have been supportive and loyal to me during those times. I don't know how loyal I'll be during tough times. I'm independent. I'm task oriented more than relationship oriented. I really want to love well, but I also want to get my stuff done. I guess everybody goes through this - trying to find the balance between relationships and independence.

My dad is starting new medication on Friday. His tumors are growing, so the doctors are advising him to take the next step that he's been expecting for years. Dad's cancer is heaviest on his heart for sure, but it's also on my heart. We don't really talk about it seriously very often. One thing Dad has said numerous times is that death is not as serious to God as it is to us; it is a part of life. That doesn't mean death is easy, that's for sure. Everybody goes through it though. 12 years ago he was told it was a very serious cancer. He thought he would never see any of his daughters get married, but now he has 7 grandchildren. 6 years ago he was told he had about a year to live. 3 years ago he retired for medical reasons. He keeps on living! I'm glad. We'll see how this new medication hits him...

"Definitely Not the Opera" on CBC radio last Saturday was discussing the topic of forgiveness. The topics on DNTO are usually light hearted, but this episode started off on a heavy note. A lady from Squamish, B.C. told the story of her husband's murder and how she forgave the one who killed him. I googled the story to find out more and found her story on this site: The Forgiveness Project. I haven't read all of the stories, but the ones I have read are pretty big.

February is almost over. That means we're on the up-and-up! The sun will soon stay out for more than 12 hours! I'll sell hot dogs again! Folk Fest will happen! Maybe Dad will even ride his motorcycle. I hope so.

It Has Been A While...

This has been a busy summer - too busy for my liking. Luckily I won't be helping to organize a 10-year high school reunion every summer; that's how the busy-ness started. I'll still be volunteer coordinating at Folk Fest, but I'll book time off my real job as soon as 2010 begins so that I don't get completely overwhelmed during the 2nd week of August. As for the hot dog stand, I can't let go; the money is too big. I'm going to cut back though... or I'll cut back on my real job... because I might be taking a class or two during the spring/summer semesters. Who knows, who knows. This is exciting though.

I haven't read a real book from beginning to end for a year or so. I have a pile of 8 books (at least) beside my bed and I read a chapter or two from one of them every so often. I've read a lot of graphic novels over the past year, and I really like them. Some of them are pretty meaty and give me lots to chew on, but some of them are puny and pointless aside from providing an hour of entertainment. I haven't even read blogs as much as I would've liked to; there's some good ones out there, and they're better than people's status updates on Facebook. (Why do I subject myself to that crazy networking website? I over-do it. Sometimes it makes me want to barf.)

Tonight things changed. I read two chapters in a book called "Prayer" by O. Hallesby. It's really simple and basic, but I need it because I think I have forgotten how to pray and how important it is. Conversing with God is benificial to/for all of us. Here's a quote from chapter 8:

"My little boy came in one day and stuck his little head into the doorway of my study. Now he knows that he was not supposed to disturb me during working hours. And his conscience troubled him a little on account of this. But he looked at me nevertheless with his kind, round baby eyes and said, 'Papa, dear, I will sit still all the time if you will only let me be here with you!' ... Is not that just the way we often feel with regard to our heavenly Father? We do so love to be with Him, just to be in His presence! Moreover, we never disturb Him, no matter when we com nor how often we come!"

I also read Jon Coutts' blog, and he quoted Matthew Wilkinson's blog. Their's are some of my favorites and they're constantly writing on them; we should all read them more often. Here's what hit me from both of them:

(Jon's blog, a reflection on his newest quest for education)

"I am heading off to study God as revealed in Jesus of Nazareth. By grace I have as my subject the Creator who so loved creation that He gave Himself to it in freedom, that it might love Him in freedom!"

(Matthew's blog, the fictional story of Hafford, Saskatchewan... I think I'll have to give myself a day to read the whole thing because I've only heard about Matthew's latest blog from Sarah, and now Jon.)

"It's just that we live in a time when you can't do heroic stuff. Y'know? Unless you join the army or something there's no big moment where you get to discover if you're a coward or whatever, and so I've got to look at the way I walk to the grocery store or behave with my friends, and try to discern the same information. Am I doing these things well? Am I living well generally? How do you live well in a quiet world where nothing changes and people are mostly pretty content? Should I be out looking for injustices?"

(Oh to live in a peaceful small town in Saskatchewan... and to have to look for injustices. Life in inner city big city Alberta is full of injustices... sigh...)

I love reading. I was feeling pretty distraught and depressed when I started reading tonight. After reading 3 paragraphs of Hallesby's book I was clear-headed and calmed. Was that reading, or was it the reminder that there is One who is always listening to my heart, whether or not I am?

Whatever it was, reading is an enjoyable activity and from this point on I will be doing more of it.

What To Expect When You're Expecting

I have 2 particular ex-boyfriends: the first one taught me that I can break my own heart; the other one taught me that I could break his heart. These lessons were learned years ago, but the first lesson keeps coming back to haunt me.

I broke my own heart by making my expectations unreachable. They were unreachable within the particular relationship and they are still unreachable within the connections I once had because of that relationship. Boy #1 has friends and family that I really admire. I was once friends with them, now I am only  acquainted with them. 

I don't really understand why it still breaks my heart occasionally.  I could never have dreamed up a life as great as the one I am living now. I am so happy. 

I don't break my own heart too often, but it bugs me when I do.

There's Always Something

I have been pretty full of joy lately.

I got home from Thailand about a month ago. Since then I have had something major to look forward to all the time.

#1. Being at home was (and still is) very great.
#2. Going back to work was exciting... on the first day...
#3. Our housewarming party was pretty awesome. I experimented with having no expectations, and therefore my expectations were not seriously disappointed. It was such a great time.
#4. Being back at church was pretty good. I got to meet a few new babies.
#5. I got winter tires for my bike.
#6. My choir started. It was supposed to start on Tuesday, but nobody came. I was okay though, because my expectations were NIL. Then I thought nobody was going to show up on Saturday, but 3 girls did. I'd be okay if they were the only girls in the choir forever. They have nice voices and personalities.
#7. I got geckos! Romance and Irie are pretty great. Unfortunately, I saw a male adult gecko last night and he had big ugly balls. I hope my geckos are females.

My life is just a pretty good thing these days. I've heard some spiritually stimulating speakers and I've had some spiritually stimulating facebook conversations. I have some really good friends and I live with really good people. I like my job. I like making crafts. Life is nice. I like a life like that.

But I feel out of joy today.

Even though I like my job, I was unmotivated and bored this week. Long and boring meetings are to blame for that.

Last night I heard that a 16-year-old boy who is very connected to Camp Nakamun killed himself yesterday. I couldn't fall asleep very easily last night, but how in the world is his family ever going to sleep again?

I don't know.

I thank the Lord for the opportunity to have a nap today...

Sarah is coming home.

Once again, I have taken my time to post a blog.

I wanted to post a few weeks ago when I went to the Edmonton Folk Music Festival. I always love that weekend. I did again. My highlights were Royal Wood, Broken Social Scene, Jonny Lang and Buckwheat Zydeco. It was an emotional weekend because I wasn't taking very good care of myself. I was VERY tired by the end of Sunday and I couldn't go on any longer. The most emotional point of the weekend for me was on Sunday afternoon when I was trying to settle down on the main hill for a nap. Buckwheat Zydeco was playing and singing, "All we need is peace, love, and happiness." All of the sudden the sound of the voice changed from a 70-year-old black man from the Southern States with an afro and a suit vest - to - an 8-year-old girl from Edmonton. "All we need is peace, love, and happy days." It went on like that for a few minutes and then the little girl was repeating after the man: "Everything is gonna be alright." He then gave her a lecture about her being the future and us adults not knowing how to take care of our world. ... I was already quite tired so I almost started my cry-fest at that moment. I slept 14 hours that night. It was a great weekend and I can't wait until next year.

I was also going to blog a few days ago when I got back home from a 24 hour camping trip. It was great to get out of the city and great to spend time with friends. My highlight of the weekend was looking up at the stars on Saturday night. Wow. (Or "whow", as some friends might spell it.) I should get out of the city more often. My #2 highlight was getting home. I had a little cold and once again, I hadn't taken care of myself very well. I ate and ate and ate and ate and felt like crap by the end. I slept pretty well that night and enjoyed work and life the next day.

Today I'm going to blog because I feel delightfully melancholy. Besides being really tired, here are some other reasons for my mood:

1. I spent 3 hours making a pinata over the last 2 days, only to have it smashed into pieces with a broom stick.
2. At a staff party today I talked to one of my favorite co-workers who's lover of 7 years is moving to Toronto on Friday. His heart is heavy with that.
3. After the staff party we had another staff party to say good-bye to another one of my favorite co-workers. He's about 70 and he was great to have around. His name is Ken, as was my paternal Grandpa's name, so I called him "Grandpa Ken".
4. On my way home I saw a beautiful teenaged girl holding hands with her really petit old grandma as they were crossing the street downtown. They looked like best friends.
5. One block later I saw a 10-year-old boy holding hands with his 4-year-old sister so that she would be safe getting back onto the sidewalk from the crosswalk. They were both wearing awkward pants with rubber boots. I wish I had had a camera to take a picture of it.

Sarah is coming home tonight and she'll be here for good. It will be nice to have her home.

P.S.

In the end, this day turned out just fine.

Friends are good. Seeing old friends and meeting new ones is good. Friends having birthday parties is pretty awesome.

Dark and swirly clouds aren't really that good, but watching them come and go quickly is good. It's also good when they leave behind a rainbow.

Melodicas are the best thing ever right now.

Some days work out okay, but other days don't.

This is definitely not the worst day of my life, but it's been a down day so far. Here's why:

1. I'm tired. I haven't been getting 8 full hours of sleep for a long time. 7 is pretty good, and that's what I get normally, but I haven't had a chance to sleep in for a long time. Oh wait. I slept in on Canada day. I worked hard that day though, so I needed my sleep.
2. I don't have much energy. I haven't been riding my bicycle to work lately. Exercise gives energy. I don't get much exercise; I don't have much energy.
   
3. I'm frustrated with myself. I thought I was being funny today when I was joking around with a c0-worker who I've been getting to know a very little bit lately. She wasn't at the vending machine when her change came out, so I took it. When she came to get it from me I threw it on the floor and laughed and said, "I'm a mean girl!" I was joking, but then she didn't say anything so I thought she might have been hurt. I tried to apologize about 10 minutes later, but she didn't hear me. (I didn't try hard enough.) Another co-worker told me that I brought the girl to tears. MY GOODNESS BECKY! I should stop trying to be funny... I apologized to the girl and she gave a nice polite smile and nod. I'll have to be extra kind to her. I like her. That's why I tried to joke around with her. My sense of humor=not everybody's sense of humor. Sheesh.
4. I don't have all the answers or solutions to the problems that people come to me with. I hear about a lot of problems at work every day. Some days it gets me down.
5. I want a puppy.
   

I just ate some nice healthy eggs and yogurt and blueberries, and I'm going to have a nap and read "Persepolis". Hopefully my day will get better from this point on.

Part 2

Do you realize that there are too many categories under your quality of life to sanely manage? Maybe it's just me, but I've been quite overwhelmed with it all lately. Here are the categories that are important in my life: loving well, family, friends, my Creator, bicycling, making music that I enjoy, reading books that I enjoy, sleeping enough, eating healthy food, eating food that I enjoy, playing with puppies, tickling babies, working and being approachable there, my church community, communicating with people who are far away from me... and more. (I had intended on making the categories things like - emotionally, spiritually, athletically, mentally, etc. - but I don't know if "puppily" is a word... Actually, I know it isn't a word.) Anyways, I've been putting too much on my plate lately and I don't know if that is going to calm down soon.

Part 3

I am looking forward to a few things:

1. Playing with Brock at Michelle and Luke's wedding on Friday. I'm playing my melodica and piano and singing harmony. We're doing some pretty pretty fun songs.
2. Calgary Folk Music Festival is in 2.5 weeks. I'm going and the music and environment are going to fill me with joy.
   
3. Edmonton Folk Music Festival is in a month. I'm volunteering for the 3rd time and it is always the best weekend ever.
   
4. I will also see Joel Plaskett and Ryan Adams this summer. I enjoy them.

It's time for that nap.

Please enjoy yourself.